As anyone reading this blog knows, the story I have been posting here was originally written when I was between the age of 12 and 14. Years ago I transcribed it from notepads and typewritten pages into a word processing program (LEWP). It has since been transferred from computer to computer. Much of it has not translated very well so it has had to be reconstructed mostly from memory. I figured while I was doing this I would take the time to bring it up to date. Much has changed in the world since I was 14. I have always found it easier to create than to recreate so there may have been some less than perfect moments in this story.
My last story post marks a turning point. It was the last segment of old material. I have a basic outline, a narrative road map if you will, but it is just names, dates and places. So everything I write from this point on will be all new. I am hoping I can keep it fresh and exciting, and still keep to the spirit of the story written by my younger self.
Keith
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Garage Sale Tips - first installment
I was out garage sailing today and it occurred to me that someone out there really needs to educate people on the right and wrong ways to have a garage sale.
So this is the first installment of how to have a garage sale.
Tip #1: Pricing.
If you are planning a garage sale thinking that you are going to sell accumulated junk and make a huge profit, forget it. I don't know how many times I hear this "Well I paid $145 for that last year and I am only asking $95 for it now." Well guess what, last year when you paid $145 for it, it was brand new, still in box, with warranty and had all the parts. Once it leaves the store its maximum garage sale price is 50% of retail. Maybe 75% if it's a really hot item. And that is new in box with all papers. If you want to have a successful garage sale I suggest you spend a couple of weekends browsing local sales and checking out their prices. Another thing I regularly hear is that a certain item is selling for X amount of dollars on Ebay. This ain't Ebay. Ebay is a worldwide market and has buyer protection policies (too much sometimes but that is an entirely different rant). This is a local market and if your are lucky you might just get 15 people look at the item. If you really want the Ebay price, list the item on Ebay. But let me tell you as a professional Ebayer, the market pretty much sucks right now.
Tip #2: Signage
Customers cannot buy your stuff if they do not know where you are. A good sign is worth the time and money you put into it. It does not have to be fancy and you do not need a full inventory on the sign. Remember, people looking at this sign are usually travelling about 35+mph, 15 if they are making a turn. They don't have time to read a novel nailed to a light post. The sign should be at least the size of a standard sheet of notebook paper (8 1/2 x 11 inches). Bigger is better. All you need on it is the word "SALE" and an arrow. A date would be nice too but this is really optional if you just remember to take the damn sign down. It is infuriating to spend 15 minutes chasing down a garage sale only to find a vacant house with a faded real estate sign in the front yard. Makes me want to call the real estate agent just so I can track down the jerk and staple the friggin' signs to his forehead. And the signs should be legible from at least 50 to 100 feet away. BOLD print too, no sharpies. Bright colors are nice but not necessary. I should not be seeing spots after looking at the sign. And if you are putting up signs in a residential area and put them up in someone else's front yard, ask them first. It's the polite thing to do and getting permission first will insure that you sign is not ripped up and thrown in the trash first time the owner comes home. I live on a corner lot, so I frequently have garage sale signs put up in my yard. I usually don't mind, but last year some idiot put up a sign with no directions on it without asking me. People thought the sale was at my house and were showing up angry because there was no sale.
Tip #3: Cleanliness
If you would not feel comfortable inviting your mother in law into your house, yard or garage, don't invite total strangers there. If my wife or I have to pull out a half dozen wet wipes or douse our hands in hand sanitizer as soon as we get back to the car then there is something wrong. When I walk up to a house and feel like I should be wearing full face respirator and Tyvek jumpsuit, most likely I will not be making a purchase. It is far more likely that I will just turn around and walk (or run) back to my car. Heavy smells of animal urine or feces will drive buyers away quicker than your crazy Uncle Leroy with a running chainsaw and bloody butcher's apron.
Well that's all for now. I'm sure someone will do something to piss me off next weekend and I will have some new tips.
So this is the first installment of how to have a garage sale.
Tip #1: Pricing.
If you are planning a garage sale thinking that you are going to sell accumulated junk and make a huge profit, forget it. I don't know how many times I hear this "Well I paid $145 for that last year and I am only asking $95 for it now." Well guess what, last year when you paid $145 for it, it was brand new, still in box, with warranty and had all the parts. Once it leaves the store its maximum garage sale price is 50% of retail. Maybe 75% if it's a really hot item. And that is new in box with all papers. If you want to have a successful garage sale I suggest you spend a couple of weekends browsing local sales and checking out their prices. Another thing I regularly hear is that a certain item is selling for X amount of dollars on Ebay. This ain't Ebay. Ebay is a worldwide market and has buyer protection policies (too much sometimes but that is an entirely different rant). This is a local market and if your are lucky you might just get 15 people look at the item. If you really want the Ebay price, list the item on Ebay. But let me tell you as a professional Ebayer, the market pretty much sucks right now.
Tip #2: Signage
Customers cannot buy your stuff if they do not know where you are. A good sign is worth the time and money you put into it. It does not have to be fancy and you do not need a full inventory on the sign. Remember, people looking at this sign are usually travelling about 35+mph, 15 if they are making a turn. They don't have time to read a novel nailed to a light post. The sign should be at least the size of a standard sheet of notebook paper (8 1/2 x 11 inches). Bigger is better. All you need on it is the word "SALE" and an arrow. A date would be nice too but this is really optional if you just remember to take the damn sign down. It is infuriating to spend 15 minutes chasing down a garage sale only to find a vacant house with a faded real estate sign in the front yard. Makes me want to call the real estate agent just so I can track down the jerk and staple the friggin' signs to his forehead. And the signs should be legible from at least 50 to 100 feet away. BOLD print too, no sharpies. Bright colors are nice but not necessary. I should not be seeing spots after looking at the sign. And if you are putting up signs in a residential area and put them up in someone else's front yard, ask them first. It's the polite thing to do and getting permission first will insure that you sign is not ripped up and thrown in the trash first time the owner comes home. I live on a corner lot, so I frequently have garage sale signs put up in my yard. I usually don't mind, but last year some idiot put up a sign with no directions on it without asking me. People thought the sale was at my house and were showing up angry because there was no sale.
Tip #3: Cleanliness
If you would not feel comfortable inviting your mother in law into your house, yard or garage, don't invite total strangers there. If my wife or I have to pull out a half dozen wet wipes or douse our hands in hand sanitizer as soon as we get back to the car then there is something wrong. When I walk up to a house and feel like I should be wearing full face respirator and Tyvek jumpsuit, most likely I will not be making a purchase. It is far more likely that I will just turn around and walk (or run) back to my car. Heavy smells of animal urine or feces will drive buyers away quicker than your crazy Uncle Leroy with a running chainsaw and bloody butcher's apron.
Well that's all for now. I'm sure someone will do something to piss me off next weekend and I will have some new tips.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Dead Land Journal July 2nd, 2027
Lisa I know you disapproved of those fancy bread machines, you thought they were cheating, but I am terrible at baking. I found one at Wal-Mart that looks simple enough and I have been able to find everything else I need for some of the recipes I found in the bread machine's little cookbook. The dry yeast I found even seems to be ok. The first loaf was a little hard, but edible.
Dee was kind in her assessment of my baking skills, but at least Emily liked it. I found out a little more about Dee today. Her full name is Delores H. Mason. At least that was what was printed on the inside of a pair of shoes I found in the back yard. Don's know what the H stands for. She says they are hers. Never really like the name Delores. It was the name of my least favorite Aunt. So I will just call her Dee.
Even though she is not really our daughter, she still reminds me of you. Dee likes peanut butter toast like you used to. She refuses to keep shoes on her feet and she likes to slide around on hardwood floors with her socks on.
God I miss you.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
Dee was kind in her assessment of my baking skills, but at least Emily liked it. I found out a little more about Dee today. Her full name is Delores H. Mason. At least that was what was printed on the inside of a pair of shoes I found in the back yard. Don's know what the H stands for. She says they are hers. Never really like the name Delores. It was the name of my least favorite Aunt. So I will just call her Dee.
Even though she is not really our daughter, she still reminds me of you. Dee likes peanut butter toast like you used to. She refuses to keep shoes on her feet and she likes to slide around on hardwood floors with her socks on.
God I miss you.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
Dead Land Journal June 28th, 2027
Found a dead dog today. I have seen a lot of dead animals. Nothing unusual about that I know, everything dies. No one around to remove the carcasses. Most of them I think have died from eating something they shouldn't have or disease.
This was different. The body was in the parking lot of the Hy-Vee at 23rd and Lees Summit. Right in front of the main doors in front of one of those little electric wheel chairs. The dog looked healthy enough at first, a big black Lab. Then I noticed that the chest and belly were sunken. A clean cut, starting just below the sternum and ending at the base of the tail. Using a stick to open the wound, I found that the entire chest and abdominal cavity were empty. Everything was gone, removed with almost surgical precision. There were stands of mucous all over the wound.
A bag of flour from the wheel chair's basket had been ripped open and scattered about. It had probably been protected from the rain by a plastic grocery bag. My first thought was that it had been torn open by the dog as it rummaged for food. But there were none of the dog's paw prints in the flour. It had already been dead when the flour bag was ripped open. There were prints though. Clusters of rubber ball prints all over.
It was like it wanted me to know it was there.
I decided to do my grocery shopping elsewhere.
Fortunately Dee had fallen asleep in the back seat of the Jeep. Emily was another matter. She was sitting in the front passenger seat trembling.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
This was different. The body was in the parking lot of the Hy-Vee at 23rd and Lees Summit. Right in front of the main doors in front of one of those little electric wheel chairs. The dog looked healthy enough at first, a big black Lab. Then I noticed that the chest and belly were sunken. A clean cut, starting just below the sternum and ending at the base of the tail. Using a stick to open the wound, I found that the entire chest and abdominal cavity were empty. Everything was gone, removed with almost surgical precision. There were stands of mucous all over the wound.
A bag of flour from the wheel chair's basket had been ripped open and scattered about. It had probably been protected from the rain by a plastic grocery bag. My first thought was that it had been torn open by the dog as it rummaged for food. But there were none of the dog's paw prints in the flour. It had already been dead when the flour bag was ripped open. There were prints though. Clusters of rubber ball prints all over.
It was like it wanted me to know it was there.
I decided to do my grocery shopping elsewhere.
Fortunately Dee had fallen asleep in the back seat of the Jeep. Emily was another matter. She was sitting in the front passenger seat trembling.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
Monday, August 3, 2009
Dead Land Journal June 17th 2027
I must be the absolute worst parent ever.
I have been driving around town with Dee for days and no child safety seat, and now because of my negligence she has a broken arm.
I have set the bone to the best of my ability and have a splint on it. God, I have to find other people out there. What happens if she really gets sick or something worse happens.
She screamed the whole time, and I had to lock Emily up in the garage until I was done. Fortunately it was a clean break and I could easily feel the bone pop into place when I pulled her arm out straight. Her upper arm is just a massive bruise now and there are bruises on her lower arm from me setting the bone. I thought about putting a cast on it, but decided monitoring the arm for signs of infection would be more important.
I guess I just thought that since there were no cops around and I'm a careful driver, what can happen, right? Well Dee was sitting in the passenger seat of the little Smart, standing actually, when a deer bolted out in front of the car. I slammed on the brakes fast enough to avoid hitting the deer, but she was thrown into the dash. I'm lucky that all she broke was her arm.
Dee is asleep now, Emily curled up protectively by her. She growls every time I approach. I hope she calms down enough so I can check Dee's arm again soon.
There is not one single painkiller out there that does not have a warning about giving to children. I most have looked at everything in drugstore twice over. I thought about looking in the pharmacy, but I did not even know what too look for. Finally I just gave her a shot of whiskey. I know I'm a horrible parent right? I think we already determined that. But that is what my grandmother gave me whenever I was sick or hurt. My mother used to scold her for it. I think she was afraid of Gramma turning me into an alcoholic, but Gramma would just say "It was good enough for you!" and that would be that. Anyway it worked. She has been asleep ever since. I need to find one of those Physician's Desk References like my mother had. She just called it her "Pill Book" But I should be able to find something better to give her in there and proper dosage.
I found a car seat next door and I will use it from now on. I have a feeling Dee won't like it, but I will have to be firm about it. And kids are not supposed to ride in the front seat either so I will be going down Noland Road tomorrow. There is about a mile long strip down Noland that is almost nothing but car lots. I think I will get a four door Jeep. The Smart really is not practical anymore.
It's about supper time now, but I think I will let Dee sleep and give her a sandwich or something when she wakes up. Oh crap I forgot, no bread. Used the last of the bread up yesterday. All the bread that was left in the stores is either moldy or carried off by rats. Maybe some peanut butter on some saltines. I will think of something.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
I have been driving around town with Dee for days and no child safety seat, and now because of my negligence she has a broken arm.
I have set the bone to the best of my ability and have a splint on it. God, I have to find other people out there. What happens if she really gets sick or something worse happens.
She screamed the whole time, and I had to lock Emily up in the garage until I was done. Fortunately it was a clean break and I could easily feel the bone pop into place when I pulled her arm out straight. Her upper arm is just a massive bruise now and there are bruises on her lower arm from me setting the bone. I thought about putting a cast on it, but decided monitoring the arm for signs of infection would be more important.
I guess I just thought that since there were no cops around and I'm a careful driver, what can happen, right? Well Dee was sitting in the passenger seat of the little Smart, standing actually, when a deer bolted out in front of the car. I slammed on the brakes fast enough to avoid hitting the deer, but she was thrown into the dash. I'm lucky that all she broke was her arm.
Dee is asleep now, Emily curled up protectively by her. She growls every time I approach. I hope she calms down enough so I can check Dee's arm again soon.
There is not one single painkiller out there that does not have a warning about giving to children. I most have looked at everything in drugstore twice over. I thought about looking in the pharmacy, but I did not even know what too look for. Finally I just gave her a shot of whiskey. I know I'm a horrible parent right? I think we already determined that. But that is what my grandmother gave me whenever I was sick or hurt. My mother used to scold her for it. I think she was afraid of Gramma turning me into an alcoholic, but Gramma would just say "It was good enough for you!" and that would be that. Anyway it worked. She has been asleep ever since. I need to find one of those Physician's Desk References like my mother had. She just called it her "Pill Book" But I should be able to find something better to give her in there and proper dosage.
I found a car seat next door and I will use it from now on. I have a feeling Dee won't like it, but I will have to be firm about it. And kids are not supposed to ride in the front seat either so I will be going down Noland Road tomorrow. There is about a mile long strip down Noland that is almost nothing but car lots. I think I will get a four door Jeep. The Smart really is not practical anymore.
It's about supper time now, but I think I will let Dee sleep and give her a sandwich or something when she wakes up. Oh crap I forgot, no bread. Used the last of the bread up yesterday. All the bread that was left in the stores is either moldy or carried off by rats. Maybe some peanut butter on some saltines. I will think of something.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
Dead Land Journal June 16th 2027
I was coming back from Wal-Mart after getting some clothes for Dee when I saw the antenna in the back yard of big two story house. I had Dee wait in the car with Emily while I checked the house out. What I found was better than I had any right to expect. When I first thought of finding a ham radio I envisioned lugging the thing home and setting it up in the garage.
Yeah. Not gonna happen.
The previous owner is, or was, obviously seriously obsessed. It looks like commercial broadcast booth. Fully equipped with sound mixers, tons of music stored on hard drives and even some vintage vinyl. It's a God damned pirate radio station really.
This guy had contacts as far away as Beijing. I don't know if any of them relied on outside relays though. I read that some ham radio operators do that, relay for other operators. But that probably is not something I can count on.
I set up a recorded message to broadcast every twelve hours. It was easier than I thought. The equipment was well labeled and all the manuals were on a shelf right there in the booth. Most of it was operated by a computer. I had Dee say the greeting. She was really cute saying "Hi!" into that huge microphone and was delighted to hear the playback. I figure a child's voice will get attention. I set it up to record any incoming messages. Although the radio is set up on its own generator, including a small AC unit for the booth, the rest of the house is reliant on city power, so staying there is not really a viable option. I will have to visit regularly to check on the generator and to see if there are any messages.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
Yeah. Not gonna happen.
The previous owner is, or was, obviously seriously obsessed. It looks like commercial broadcast booth. Fully equipped with sound mixers, tons of music stored on hard drives and even some vintage vinyl. It's a God damned pirate radio station really.
This guy had contacts as far away as Beijing. I don't know if any of them relied on outside relays though. I read that some ham radio operators do that, relay for other operators. But that probably is not something I can count on.
I set up a recorded message to broadcast every twelve hours. It was easier than I thought. The equipment was well labeled and all the manuals were on a shelf right there in the booth. Most of it was operated by a computer. I had Dee say the greeting. She was really cute saying "Hi!" into that huge microphone and was delighted to hear the playback. I figure a child's voice will get attention. I set it up to record any incoming messages. Although the radio is set up on its own generator, including a small AC unit for the booth, the rest of the house is reliant on city power, so staying there is not really a viable option. I will have to visit regularly to check on the generator and to see if there are any messages.
© 2009 R. Keith McBride
Friday, July 17, 2009
Warning, Angry Rant Below
I was browsing online today and I came across a story about a thirteen year old boy that raped a ten year old girl in front of several witnesses. The story was a few months old I think. I lost the link and have not been able to find it. There were witness interviews from some of the onlookers. The expressed astonishment at the actions of this boy, asking themselves 'How could he do this?' I have a response to these people. Because of you, you fucking moron! You see a thirteen year old boy raping a ten year old girl and you did not stop him?! You should have been punting the little shit across the damn street before he even got his pants down! Don't sit there trying to rationalize his actions or making excuses for him. Do Something! I can hear your feeble excuses already. I thought he had a gun or some bullshit. Fuck that! He can't hold down a struggling girl, get his pants down and point a gun at the same time. Just can't be done. And if you are willing to let a little girl get raped because you are too worried about your own safety, then you should be shot. No one even called the police till after the little fucker was done with her. Any person witnessing the rape of a child that does nothing is just as guilty as the rapist. At the very least, there should have been twenty calls into 911 about this. But, no, according to the story there was only one anonymous call in. The caller did not even offer a description.
In my opinion rape is one of the few truly inexcusable crimes. There is no saying, 'well I was hungry so I raped her' or 'I was desperate for cash so I ... ' You get the point. I think that once a rapist is convicted with hard evidence (DNA, video recording, or confession) the rapist should either be executed or at the very least castrated. And before you armchair psychiatrists start pointing out that rape is a crime of violence, not sex, consider this. We don't let convicted bank robbers carry guns do we? No we don't. If we must let a rapist back out on the street, disarm him. At the very least it removes his weapon of choice.
I hear people all the time saying, that neighbor kid is always getting into to trouble, but what can I do, he's not my responsibility. What the hell happened here. It used to be that if an adult saw a kid acting up, he caught hell from the person that caught him, and then the parents when they found out. Now we just turn a blind eye and walk away. And now we are afraid to punish our own kids. We can be turned in for child abuse if we spank a child in public. Experts tell us we will bruise their fragile little egos and spout psychobabble bullshit to justify their position. Well twenty years of this politically correct crap has gotten us what? When you teach a child that their are no consequences for his actions, you aren't doing anyone any favors. A child growing up in an environment where the most serious punishment he has ever received was to be sent to his "Happy Corner" to think about his actions will having a hard time adapting to the real world. Cops do not send you to your room, they do not take time to work out a happy solution and give hugs to smooth over hurt feelings. They do carry mace, a nifty wood baton, and swell handgun. He will use these when he encounters your poor misunderstood offspring as he is trying to convince a convenience store owner to give him all his money using a gun as a visual aid. And if your little darling survives the lessons the nice policeman has for him, then his cell mates will teach him the remaining facts of life.
I guess I have ranted long enough.
In my opinion rape is one of the few truly inexcusable crimes. There is no saying, 'well I was hungry so I raped her' or 'I was desperate for cash so I ... ' You get the point. I think that once a rapist is convicted with hard evidence (DNA, video recording, or confession) the rapist should either be executed or at the very least castrated. And before you armchair psychiatrists start pointing out that rape is a crime of violence, not sex, consider this. We don't let convicted bank robbers carry guns do we? No we don't. If we must let a rapist back out on the street, disarm him. At the very least it removes his weapon of choice.
I hear people all the time saying, that neighbor kid is always getting into to trouble, but what can I do, he's not my responsibility. What the hell happened here. It used to be that if an adult saw a kid acting up, he caught hell from the person that caught him, and then the parents when they found out. Now we just turn a blind eye and walk away. And now we are afraid to punish our own kids. We can be turned in for child abuse if we spank a child in public. Experts tell us we will bruise their fragile little egos and spout psychobabble bullshit to justify their position. Well twenty years of this politically correct crap has gotten us what? When you teach a child that their are no consequences for his actions, you aren't doing anyone any favors. A child growing up in an environment where the most serious punishment he has ever received was to be sent to his "Happy Corner" to think about his actions will having a hard time adapting to the real world. Cops do not send you to your room, they do not take time to work out a happy solution and give hugs to smooth over hurt feelings. They do carry mace, a nifty wood baton, and swell handgun. He will use these when he encounters your poor misunderstood offspring as he is trying to convince a convenience store owner to give him all his money using a gun as a visual aid. And if your little darling survives the lessons the nice policeman has for him, then his cell mates will teach him the remaining facts of life.
I guess I have ranted long enough.
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