Monday, April 27, 2009

It's too quiet here

Today is the first day post Tax Season without my twins here. My wife is an accountant and tax preparer so during Tax Season the kids stay at home with me. I work from home so it seems a logical arrangement, but it is difficult to get anything done. Between taking care of the kids and trying to get enough work done to pay bills my days were pretty well full. So I looked forward to the end of Tax Season when my wife could resume taking them to the office. She occasionally has help there and this time of year it is usually quiet. So it just makes sense in our circumstances. Plus, she will only have them three days a week. She is off Tuesdays and I will have them here on Thursdays (her busiest day of the week).

But now that I am sitting here alone in the house the silence is almost tangible. I miss the noise they make, I miss having them climb up in my lap while I try to write or work on my computer.

I have found myself thinking of our first little girl Jordan. She was born too early and passed away in her mother's arms after three days. My wife had toxemia and they had to deliver early by Cesarean. Jordan was strong in spirit, but betrayed by her body. She could not maintain high enough blood pressure for kidney function. Up till that point I was trying to maintain hope. I told myself that she would make it, she was strong. She was able to scream and cry as loud as some of the full term babies that first day. And I fell in love with her the moment she grasped my fingertip with her tiny hand. But by the third morning she was losing strength. My wife still had not been able to see her. The Nazi nurses had said that she was too sick and her blood pressure too high. She was giving up hope. I convinced her that Jordan was still alive and while there is life there is hope. But Caroline was in despair because they would not let her go see Jordan. So I wheeled her down to the NICU myself despite the Head Nazi's protests.

Down in the NICU they were a little more compassionate and let her see and hold Jordan. I could see hope in my wife's eyes for the first time a two days. But Jordan's doctor chose that time to come in and tell us that he felt Jordan's case was hopeless. She was just born too early. He felt it would be best to let her go. I did not want to let her go, but then he said that she was suffering and it was truly hopeless. I could not inflict needless suffering on my little girl and I could see that Caroline felt the same way. So we agreed to disconnect her from all the IVs and ventilator. But only after we had a minister come in and have her Baptized. After which she was quickly brought to our room where she passed in her mother's arms.

It was just a few weeks later that a baby born at exactly the same gestational age as Jordan was allowed to go home. She was in perfect health. The difference was that her doctor had treated her with Viagra to increase her blood pressure.

My wife was on Medicaid at the time and I think that the reality of the situation was that the hospital had just reached their unwritten cutoff point. So we were manipulated into having Jordan disconnected to save their bottom line. If our doctor had been up to date with current medical trends maybe Jordan would be alive today. But then I have to think, would we have had the twins? I don't know. I do know the doctors told Caroline that the same thing would happen if she conceived again. But her pregnancy with the twins was trouble free. And the twins due date was the same as Jordan's due date. Not sure of the significance of that, but I feel it means something. As much as I miss Jordan I don't think I could bring myself to change how things turned out if I were given the opportunity.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Rainy Day

No post last night, the kids kept me too busy all day. By the time they were in bed I was exhausted.
Probably won't do much of a post today. Gray, rainy day outside, perfect for a little writing on my story. I completed the concept for a story idea in my mind this morning on the drive out to the kid's doctor appointment